Five opening lines

The first attack came at midnight.
"This is the worst fake ID I've ever seen."

It all started on a quiet Sunday in an ordinary town.

Once upon a time in a magic forest, there lived a young unicorn who dreamed of flying.

When I woke up that morning, I didn't yet know that it was the worst day of my life.

"Come on... come on..."

Zag's face was screwed up so tightly that his cheeks trembled, but no matter how hard he concentrated, the basket of laundry remained defiantly unaffected.

"Dammit!" swore the young mage, tossing his staff aside and swooping across the room to his spellbooks. He flipped through the pages in frustration. "What am I doing wrong?" 

There was a knock at the door. "Honey, are you okay in there?"

"I'm fine, mom!" replied Zag. "I just can't get this laundry spell working is all."

"Well maybe if you folded it by hand instead of trying those silly magic tricks, you'd have finished by now!" The door opened and Zag's mother strode in. She put her hands on her hips and gave him a look."Is this what you've been playing with?" she said, picking up the discarded staff.

"Mom! Don't touch my stuff! That's a highly unstable magical conduit!"

"Now look, sweetie, you know I don't mind you tinkering with the primal forces of the universe, but is it too much to ask for you to at least keep your room tidy?"

Three Wishes

"Okay," said Bob. "For my first wish, I would like a tuna salad sandwich, please."

"It is done," replied the djinn. And lo, a tuna salad sandwich fell from the sky, landing neatly in Bob's hands.

"Oh no!" said Bob. "You forgot the mustard! I wish for some mustard."

"It is done," the djinn replied once more. And lo, up from the ground there sprouted a jar of mustard and a knife with which to spread it.

Bob picked up the jar and twisted the lid, but no matter how he struggled, he couldn't open it. "Can you give me a hand with this?" he asked the djinn.

"Try running hot water over it," the djinn suggested.

"There's no faucet around here," said Bob. "We're in a cave in the desert."

"Oh, well." said the djinn.

"I wish for a monster truck," said Bob.

"Your wish is my command," said the djinn, bowing, then vanishing in a puff of sparks. A pair of keys jingled to the ground at Bob's feet, and a brightly-painted monster truck crashed through the wall. The djinn's lamp crumbled into dust.

"Cool," said Bob. He took a bite out of his sandwich.